January 2017

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himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)

I won't deny the fact that 2016 has been a very trying year, both physically and emotionally. The positive thing about it I guess is the fact that I have been distracted well enough to keep a mental breakdown at bay. In between wavering feelings, placement transfers and work environment changes, I had somehow kept myself afloat and held on to whatever sanity I had left. Despite stumbling awkwardly over some roadblocks, I learned some things - something I can at least be grateful for.

Points in brief bullets:

  • Most of the team has been replaced and work dynamics have changed so much. I would say that this year has been the most turbulent for me due to the work environment... but it seems safe for now. Also, I got offered a leader position, but I am still learning the ropes and I haven't been given a lot of responsibility, so I still don't feel like anything has changed. I'm not complaining, though.

  • Finally moved from Yamaguchi to Hiroshima. I had to get used to three new schools and to my new home as well. For now my schools are great; the kids are okay (though I still miss my Yamaguchi kids terribly) and my JTs are awesome. Here's hoping the pace will continue and they won't turn into bloody little monsters...

  • Traveled a bit more this year - went to more concert shows and spent more money trying to get around places along the way. I made the most out of Golden Week, Obon and Christmas break by going to more tourist spots, and I haven't been disappointed. But of course, my money evaporated into thin air as always... no regrets there, though.

  • On matters of the heart, I made drastic steps that didn't turn out well, but I have no regrets there as well.

No resolutions for 2017, but recently I have been thinking of doing some extra stuff to do, e.g. enroll myself in online courses and try getting a license, take some certification tests, or finally enroll in a gym and try to lose weight. It's still a bit farfetched though, as I know myself better and think that doing all of these is next to impossible. But we'll see if I can get to tick those things off my list at the end of the year.

The biggest realization about 2016 for me however, is me coming to realize how short life can be. In the last two months of the year - and even right now, to be honest - I've lost friends and relatives. It still feels surreal, to be honest. It feels weird to think again so consciously about life and death after such a long time.Maybe that's why recently I've found myself caring less about trivial things, and trying to do things that make me happy.

I'm not sure what 2017 will bring, but I can only hope I will manage to fulfill all my inner desires and not regret anything. It's going to be a long road, but hopefully I will gradually get there.

P.S. I'm writing this at a very critical time, so today's entry is a bit messy. I could have just postponed writing of course, but I don't want to do it because there's a very big chance I will become lazy and postpone it indefinitely, so yeah... but I'll be fine. I just need to overcome this.

himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)

ここにいて いいんだって
みんな 誰かに必要とされたくて
でも うまくいかなくて
泣きたい気持ちを 笑い飛ばして

I want someone to choose me.
Someone who'll say "it's a good thing you're here."
I want to be accepted.
I wonder if that's a luxury?
Everyone wants to be needed by someone.
But... it doesn't go well.
Gradually giving up on various emotions...
Laughing it off when you want to cry...
That's how I might be living.


Continuing to love someone sincerely might be a terribly difficult thing.
You can't change how someone feels, but
you're the one holding the steering wheel on your life.

- Moriyama Mikuri
Nigeru wa Haji da ga Yaku ni Tatsu, episodes 1 and 8 -

恋をしたに君へ )
himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)

I wish it was that possible to be positive without having to compare yourself with the rest of the people around you.

I wish it was possible to just care about nothing in the world.

I wish it was possible to just worry about nothing and just do whatever you like to do - as long as you do not break people's hearts and dreams.

If only it was possible.

This is my limit. Why can't people see that?
himitsuru: (Uni's smile || Reborn)
Making this one public because I haven't written an essay in ages XD this isn't really an essay but most of it is like copy-pasted from my singular FB status message on New Year.

The year that was, and the year I want to have. )

To this day, I may have remained frustrated by my incapacity and inability in various ways, but I shall try my best to overcome these and answer the questions that have been bugging me for the past few months. I'm sure that with all of your help, I can fully come to accept myself - my limitations and my capabilities. I am sincerely grateful to everyone who has helped me in some way to face every day with renewed confidence and gratitude (you know who you are). Happy New Year everyone! Onwards, 2013!
himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)
For my second public entry (and essay, perhaps, if this is still considered as one), this is going to be quite long as it deals with my frustrations as a linguistics and literature student and as an academic researcher. Please bear with me, but if you don't want to read, please feel free to skip it.

Shige, why do you do this to me ;_____;

It's amazing how hate memes can make you realize what you really feel, what you really want to do, and what you were born in this world to do. )

For a final say, if you ask me what I really want to do a study on, I would have to say I'll do Japanese-English translation studies on translators in the fandom. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT ORAL DISCOURSE LIKE "YOU" WANTED AND NOT SOMETHING "RELEVANT" AS YOU SEE IT. I want to do translation studies, be it in jpop or animanga fandom. And as far as I know, no one had attempted that. Let that be my niche.