Ode to the Sky

I didn't think it would still be this hard.

Almost a year after Tegoshi has left, NEWS finally - and I mean it when I say finally - managed to finish off Story. I think most of us agreed that it was not the wisest decision for J&A to take, what with this pandemic still raging in Japan and prompting a minimum of two state of emergencies - but now that it's finally all over, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. I have not been closely following the updates since the tour started, but there have been some slight issues, like some governor trying to shed a negative light on the fact that NEWS was going to hold a concert in their prefecture, for one.

I have been trying not to be disappointed all over again because Story had been cancelled twice at this point (first due to the initial COVID outbreak, and second due to Koyashige being infected), and I could not dare hope that everything was going to be alright. Some weeks ago, there was another major SoE declaration and Aichi was included, so we all held our breath and thought it was going to be postponed yet again, or worse, entirely cancelled (like some stage plays at this point. I am still terribly upset and mad about how Haisute ended).

Still, by some miracle, Story managed to pull through, and was able to finish off safely without any outrageous incidents. We should be thankful, but ... there's no helping it; someone has to address the biggest elephant in the room. It's supposed to be a closure, but it still doesn't seem to be one.

This tour was not entirely Story without Tegoshi.

I wish - and I really truly wish - that I am wrong, and that this is all just a bad dream that I could wake up from. But no - I am still bitter, I am still frustrated, I am still upset even after all this time. Yesterday I realized the reason behind all the negativity I felt.

Tegoshi's absence in their music is glaringly obvious, and there was no way to ignore it.

What drew me to NEWS in the first place was their music, and not their camaraderie, history, or background. I came into the fandom in 2011, when I was barely still adjusting to their vocals as 6nin, when Ryopi announced their departure. Looking back, I think my rage about them leaving was shallow, because I didn't actually build an inner connection with the group at that point back then. I have only been listening to their music, and although I struggled with finding translations, their songs thoroughly clicked and drew me further in. Discovering the men and the personalities behind the voices was secondary. And even as a new fan, I could tell that Tegomasu's voices was at the heart of NEWS's music, and didn't feel any deeper connection to Ryopi's voices (and embarrassingly, even to KoyaShige's).

This was probably why when Ryopi announced their departure, I couldn't understand why everyone thought NEWS disbanding was something that "couldn't be helped". Why? I thought. There are only two voices leaving. The ones who are actually carrying the core of NEWS's music are still there. They are bound to make it even better, so why grieve? I knew they could make it through, and I knew it was not impossible for them to overcome this hurdle. Which was why Utsucon felt like a huge sigh of relief. See, I told you. They sound even better now. Sure, we'll miss the former voices, but the ones who stayed were truly able to make up for it. But then of course, this was entirely everything on my side, and this perspective was solely my own, and not the fans who were with them even back to the 9-nin days.

We got NEWS, then White, then Quartetto, and then Neverland. Each album further solidified my belief that 4-nin NEWS was their best shape, and their voices grew in ways I couldn't even imagine. There were unique harmonies I never thought they would explore. There were songs I didn't think I would like at first, but then grew on me simply because it was them singing. There were songs that were cheesy and ridiculous, it made me laugh and slightly doubt my judgment on idols. There were songs that were filled with meaning which took time to explore, simply because of my limited Japanese. And then there were songs that just straightaway proved why NEWS truly is my favorite artist.

Around Epcotia, when it was revealed that we were halfway through a four-part project, a thought and a possibility crept into my mind - something that was born out of my unstable mental state back then: what would happen when this project is through? Was there a reason why they had thought this up? And I unconsciously thought of reasons, and simultaneously thought of justifications. They are probably thinking of letting Tegomasu resurface for a moment after this project is over. They're not doing this because of someone's plans of leaving, right? Or they're not doing this because they needed to prove to the higher ups that they are still relevant, right?

And then.... this.

Story definitely felt like a rewind of Utsucon, but as I kept on watching the stream, a feeling of dread grew bigger and bigger inside me, and it took me until the MC to figure out why I felt so uneasy.

It was just not the same as before.

Please don't get me wrong. I truly, really, and honestly feel proud that 3nin NEWS pushed through with Story despite Tegoshi's absence, and I recognize the enormous amount of courage it took to actually continue a project that was not supposed to lose anyone. I am proud, because I know that more than our feelings of disappointment, hatred, and sadness, the remaining members should be feeling more of this than anyone else, and are still deciding to give us stuff that they "owe" us. Not that they actually owe us anything, but I bet that they feel like they had to continue this for our sake as well as theirs, and that leaving the existence of Story up in the air is something that cannot be done. They needed to close the curtains on it, and put an end to what is considered their best era.

I rationally understand all of this, but my other self who has been struggling for so long and has been relying on 4nin NEWS's music for strength, is in a fit of rage and is utterly inconsolable.

What has happened to all those harmonies? Where is the one who was supposed to sing this line? What do you mean by this line? How dare you say it when you couldn't keep your promise! How dare you leave them in this state! How dare you make them cry like this and relive that pain they felt in 2011?! No, I don't want this voice to belong there! Why is it like this?! Why are you even trying??? Please stop trying! It hurts to listen! I don't want to listen anymore! Where is the NEWS that I have truly fallen in love with?! Give them back to us! I will never forgive you! Give them back to me!

Such thoughts were just painful to say, and are truly illogical and inexcusable. Yet, I know I am not the only one who feel this way. I had thought it was immature when fans of other groups would lament about members leaving and rant about how the musical repertoire has changed, complaining that it ruined their experience, and that they want to leave for good. I never thought I would feel the same.

It hurts. It still hurts. It hurts like hell, but there is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can do when the group I love is suffering more than I do, more than what they have shown to us. I have no right to yell or scream or throw a tantrum just because their new shape is something that I cannot bear to look at for now. I have no right to hurt other fans' feelings too, especially when they have opposing views, and when they truly love the people who had left for good.

"If change is part of life,
then.... it's such a cruel kindness."

At this point I am reminded of this line from Fruits Basket, and I cannot agree more. We shouldn't have thought that it was going to be the same forever. To some extent, circumstances, people, and even feelings would change, and all we can truly do is to accept the reality that not everything is going to change in the way we want them to. There will be good changes. There will be irreversible ones. There will be sudden ones that will catch you unaware and will turn your world upside down. And then there will be gradual changes that let you gently ease into acceptance.

I know I am still in the middle of the grieving stage, and still unable to move on. But I can only hope and pray that this will all pass soon, and that one day, I will look back and see that this point was truly for the best, and that everyone will eventually reach a level of happiness that is truly meant for them. It may take months. It may take years. But hopefully, eventually..... soon. Soon.

This.......... was totally not the way I had wanted to come back to writing about NEWS.





( Please pardon the incoherence of this entry. I'm sure your hearts and hopes have also been broken like mine. )

( Prelude to my The Green Mile )


( The Green Mile: Highlights and Reactions )


After the play all of us filled out a survey, and since my Japanese is still weak I half-filled it with English.
I was able to catch the night bus back to Hiroshima, and that was the only negative thing about this trip actually, forcing myself to sleep in my seat without having the freedom to recline my seat. I'm not sure if I will be able to take the bus again for trips like these, but Green Mile will definitely not be my last NEWS - or Shige - play. :)

This year's tour finale is special to me in a lot of ways. Aside from my best friend who flew in all the way from my hometown to see me, I also had the chance to finally go to a NEWS concert with Filipino fans who were also from my hometown, both first-time concert goers. The pain in participating for the final, however, was slightly reminiscent of my very first NEWS concert last year, because like back then, I had done sightseeing for the first half of the day and ended up limping quite a bit when I got to the dome. This tour also gave me the opportunity to meet other fans who I interact only on Twitter and/or Line, so it was quite moving to see them at the dome.

So anyway, here's my report! Pic-heavy as usual and some other stuff. :D

( [2016.06.12] Tokyo Dome, 18:00, Tour Final )

Anyway, I'm back in Japan and I feel like I can finally start the year right! But of course a little review of 2015 is in order before I can truly look forward to what this year has to offer to me. 2015 had been a year full of surprises and I wouldn't have it in any other way.

• Work had been really good. Sure, there was a few rollercoaster rides and a few bouts of discouragement and depression, but overall I feel I have improved and now I'm more confident with the way I deliver my lessons. A lot of new colleagues have made their way into the team and I'm happy to say that most of them have become really good friends, to the point of making me wish I live in Hiroshima. I have also been given a leadership role of some sort and while I feel awkward with the responsibility, I feel honored to have been given a task to accomplish. Everything has been enjoyable and I feel like I can still stay in the job for another year or so.


• There was a lot of travel opportunities! This year alone I was able to go to Tokyo, Fukuoka, Osaka and Hyogo. Most of these was because of concerts, but the other half was because of my friend who had travelled all the way from Korea to spend her summer vacation / Obon with me. I can only wish it wasn't as expensive for foreign residents (still wishing I could just travel all over Japan via the Shinkansen), but for now this is enough. I never thought that travelling can be so much fun and exciting! I never travelled as extensively in the Philippines simply because the transportation system isn't as friendly and it mostly requires me to go around asking people (or even try to bargain for lower prices...).


• And speaking of fandom - I was finally able to go see NEWS and Arashi for the first time! NEWS simply overwhelmed me in their Fukuoka, Hiroshima and Tokyo concerts for the White Tour and I couldn't have it any better. I only got to see Arashi once in the Fukuoka leg of the Japonism Tour, and while it was only once, I had gotten an arena seat and I was able to watch the concert along with a NEWS friend. The fandom is really a wonderful place as I had gotten to meet so many friends and fans for the first time, and some of them were really kind enough to give me gifts and even give me a lift back home. I haven't been happy with the damage to my wallet, but after everything else, I can only grin, shrug and say "Who cares, I am happy!".


• I guess I have been too preoccupied with happiness that I found myself not visiting any clinics and hospitals for the past five months or so. Maybe it's because of the vitamins I had received from family? Or being happy for the latter half of the year? Or.... something else? Hahahaha. That last bit I will prefer to keep a secret until a certain time, I guess.

For 2016, I can only hope for things to look even better, even with the impending doom of seeing my friends leave me behind... but as early as now I can definitely say that 2016 will be a year of change.

Recently, I had made up my mind to transfer to Hiroshima, and while the date hasn't been definite yet, I am prepping myself for the new environment I will be having, both in terms of work and residence. I am going to miss my quiet life in Tokuyama for sure, but I have felt that I needed to grow in terms of work performance and language progress. I have grown too accustomed to my schools (especially Tokuyama and Hikari), and I had NOT been able to touch nor opened a Japanese language book since I moved here. Sure, I had the language app and phone dictionaries to help me out, but I had not taken any step in formal Japanese language learning. Moving to Hiroshima might force me to finally take that step to avenging my failure in the last N4 JLPT exam.

And savings..... ummm, maybe that had been my biggest failure in 2015. I was only able to do short-term saving, only to blow it all off on my fandom hobbies / family matters / credit card dues / health issues. I hope to be able to save more this year, but seeing the extravagant idiot as I am, I don't think I will make any progress...... (I seriously think I need help in this area, haha).

That's it for now, and we'll see if I can finally manage to achieve these goals in 2016. I am going to try my best, certainly! With work and fandom, I am going to make my second/third year in Japan even more adventurous, crazy and fun. :)



P.S. Been addicted to Jojo's Bizarre Adventure lately (especially with Stardust Crusaders) - finished the entire anime franchise entirely in December. Now looking forward to the fourth arc in April. Shige, I finally understand why you like this series, lol.

Most of you already know the story of how I balloted for Hiroshima and Tokyo and ended up failing to hit for Hiroshima and getting Tokyo instead. I had to buy a resale ticket for the first time, which I regretted a bit a first (but then was glad for the chance later).

Well, fate decided to shove a bit of crap into my face days before the Hiroshima cons.

Monday before the Hiroshima cons started, FC decided to open performance seats. I assumed it was either because the venue was not sold out, or the layout allowed space for more seats. Either way, I was determined to try again. It was a stressful week with parents' observations and the waiting - and just when I was relieved from P.O.s, I got the bad news that once again I had failed the ballot for the first Hiroshima concert. (come on, Johnny-sama. I am about ready to offer you my liver here...) So anyway I had to wait through the entire Saturday so that I could finally come to the Sunday concert.

Sunday came, and due to my excitement I gave an "fck you" to the local train (which would have been just 3000+ yen roundtrip but would take me two hours) and took the Shinkansen to Hiroshima instead (twice the local train fare but only 30 minutes transit). I had gone to Hiroshima many times but I don't think I had arrived at Hiroshima station with so much giddiness before. I had always been there for work, and each and every time I had arrived at the station with apprehension, nervousness and dread. But now - I was almost flying through the ticket gates, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had sprouted wings right on the spot.

As I was a bit early for my meet-up with Hazel, I dropped by Hondori and got myself a Korosensei plushie. I had to admit I wanted to use it as a means to call attention to myself but I was a bit afraid of the consequences so I didn't push through. I then went back to the arena, got into the goods line with Hazel, and after getting the goods, we went back to Hondori again to eat lunch and meet my other friend, Ren, so that I could give her my extra Debikuro-kun book. After a bit of adventure at Book Off, we separated and proceeded back to the venue.

And well, of course, I had to take the chance to get a souvenir picture of the venue, which I wasn't able to do in Fukuoka.


We entered the venue together and separated to go to our gates - Hazel to Gate B, and I to Gate E. The moment I got inside I knew it would be different from Fukuoka.

( [2015.06.07] Hiroshima Green Arena, 16:30 )



At the end of the concert, I saw Shonae down on the arena and waved to her, before exiting and looking for Hazel. Hazel and I hung around a bit trying to look for one of our friends who had dressed up as Sailormoon, but she had already gone as she had to run to catch the Shinkansen back to Kyushu. So we asked for a couple of pictures with the Massu-look-a-likes, and then walked back to Hondori to search for ginger tea and stroll around the streets, eating matsuri food. :D
As Yamaguchi is nearer to Hiroshima, I was able to catch a Shinkansen before the last train, basking in happiness the entire time. Life is really good. I can't wait for Tokyo all last next week!