January 2017

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himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)


I won't deny the fact that 2016 has been a very trying year, both physically and emotionally. The positive thing about it I guess is the fact that I have been distracted well enough to keep a mental breakdown at bay. In between wavering feelings, placement transfers and work environment changes, I had somehow kept myself afloat and held on to whatever sanity I had left. Despite stumbling awkwardly over some roadblocks, I learned some things - something I can at least be grateful for.

Points in brief bullets:


  • Most of the team has been replaced and work dynamics have changed so much. I would say that this year has been the most turbulent for me due to the work environment... but it seems safe for now. Also, I got offered a leader position, but I am still learning the ropes and I haven't been given a lot of responsibility, so I still don't feel like anything has changed. I'm not complaining, though.

  • Finally moved from Yamaguchi to Hiroshima. I had to get used to three new schools and to my new home as well. For now my schools are great; the kids are okay (though I still miss my Yamaguchi kids terribly) and my JTs are awesome. Here's hoping the pace will continue and they won't turn into bloody little monsters...

  • Traveled a bit more this year - went to more concert shows and spent more money trying to get around places along the way. I made the most out of Golden Week, Obon and Christmas break by going to more tourist spots, and I haven't been disappointed. But of course, my money evaporated into thin air as always... no regrets there, though.

  • On matters of the heart, I made drastic steps that didn't turn out well, but I have no regrets there as well.


No resolutions for 2017, but recently I have been thinking of doing some extra stuff to do, e.g. enroll myself in online courses and try getting a license, take some certification tests, or finally enroll in a gym and try to lose weight. It's still a bit farfetched though, as I know myself better and think that doing all of these is next to impossible. But we'll see if I can get to tick those things off my list at the end of the year.

The biggest realization about 2016 for me however, is me coming to realize how short life can be. In the last two months of the year - and even right now, to be honest - I've lost friends and relatives. It still feels surreal, to be honest. It feels weird to think again so consciously about life and death after such a long time.Maybe that's why recently I've found myself caring less about trivial things, and trying to do things that make me happy.

I'm not sure what 2017 will bring, but I can only hope I will manage to fulfill all my inner desires and not regret anything. It's going to be a long road, but hopefully I will gradually get there.



P.S. I'm writing this at a very critical time, so today's entry is a bit messy. I could have just postponed writing of course, but I don't want to do it because there's a very big chance I will become lazy and postpone it indefinitely, so yeah... but I'll be fine. I just need to overcome this.

 
himitsuru: (Uni's smile || Reborn)
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A few minutes more to go and we officially welcome 2015 - well, over here in GMT +9, that is. It's obviously a cliche to write a New Year's post to somehow recollect on what has happened this year, except that for this entry I choose to make it public instead of having to hide it away from malicious scrutiny.

When I wrote these entries at the start of 2013 and 2014, I wasn't expecting a multitude of blessings. I simply wanted to be free of negative people, negative environment, and health ailments. I clearly remember complaining about wanting to finish my thesis on time and opportunities to go work abroad, but I never expected that this year those complaints would bear positive fruit. All of my hopes have always been formless thoughts, and at the back of my mind, I had always put myself down by saying that these hopes would not come true. I guess the universe was simply fed up with my pessimism and slapped me with a bunch of positive turns in order to prove me wrong. God is really good.

So yeah, to sum up what 2014 has been, these had been the highlights.

  • I passed JLPT N5! It's not that big of an achievement compared to my other friends who had already passed the higher levels, but this has been something that I had wanted to achieve ever since I started studying Japanese on my own ten years ago. It was such a hard decision to stop my formal Japanese education due to financial concerns, but I guess it was all for the best, as shown in later months.

  • After five years, I finally finished graduate school and got a degree in Applied Linguistics. Sure, graduate school was fun and all that, but coupled with tensions at work and souring relationships, it had gradually begun to turn into a prison I wanted to break free of. I also realized that I had overestimated myself and I had given myself an academic burden I could not fully commit to. I have to admit that I still don't know just how much I love academics and how much of it I am going to embrace (in terms of emotional and intellectual growth), but for now I am contented to say I have overcome a major milestone.

  • I found work in Japan. This has to be my greatest achievement - not only for this year, but for my entire life. Since I took an interest in Japanese language in high school, I have always wondered if I would be able to experience Japanese life and culture up close and personal. If other people's dreams have consisted of a stable work, a family, a house and a car, mine was just to find myself as an independent entity in a country whose culture I have always been interested in immersing. It may be shallow, selfish and immature, yes, but these are my honest thoughts, I guess: to be able to put the language I've been studying to practice, to experience these people's way of life, to be able to reach the people who have made this dream possible, to be able to express my gratitude to them for having given me meaning no one else had.

  • My empty passport finally has served its purpose. Not only was I able to step on Japanese soil, but I was also able to travel and cross over to South Korea. I am still far from the ideal image of what a traveler is supposed to be (I am not into extensive backpacking due to my health issues), but for now I am content to say I have gone somewhere.

If anyone were to ask me if I'm happy with my place right now, I would say I am. Well, of course I'd be lying if I would say I am not lonely, but I had prepped myself for these sacrifices even back then. I can only be grateful that my family and friends have greatly supported and understood me with my decisions. I couldn't ask for a better support than them.

The only thing I am not happy with are my health issues - it seemed that I had gotten worse, but as to whether these changes were the culprit, I cannot fully say. Right now I'm dealing with a VERY bad back coupled with some recurrent headaches and stomachaches, and they have been the cause of my stress. I admit that I have been very afraid these past few weeks with these sudden changes, and while everyone is saying Japan is a great country in terms of medicine, their hospitals' and clinics' operating hours and insurance policies are driving me crazy.

But no matter, this year had been filled with a lot of great things for me just when I least expected it. I guess it is safe to say that this has been the best year for me so far. I still have a lot of things I want to accomplish - like travelling to Tokyo, attending a NEWS concert (too bad with Arashi's this year), and saving A LOT for future projects. I can only wish medical appointments would stop sapping the hell out of my finances.

Anyway, I sincerely hope that everything will get even better for everyone in 2015!  あけましておめでとうございます!^^
himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)

I wish it was that possible to be positive without having to compare yourself with the rest of the people around you.

I wish it was possible to just care about nothing in the world.

I wish it was possible to just worry about nothing and just do whatever you like to do - as long as you do not break people's hearts and dreams.

If only it was possible.

This is my limit. Why can't people see that?
himitsuru: (Uni's smile || Reborn)
Making this one public because I haven't written an essay in ages XD this isn't really an essay but most of it is like copy-pasted from my singular FB status message on New Year.




The year that was, and the year I want to have. )

To this day, I may have remained frustrated by my incapacity and inability in various ways, but I shall try my best to overcome these and answer the questions that have been bugging me for the past few months. I'm sure that with all of your help, I can fully come to accept myself - my limitations and my capabilities. I am sincerely grateful to everyone who has helped me in some way to face every day with renewed confidence and gratitude (you know who you are). Happy New Year everyone! Onwards, 2013!
himitsuru: (Crushing grief || Hetalia)
For my second public entry (and essay, perhaps, if this is still considered as one), this is going to be quite long as it deals with my frustrations as a linguistics and literature student and as an academic researcher. Please bear with me, but if you don't want to read, please feel free to skip it.



Shige, why do you do this to me ;_____;



It's amazing how hate memes can make you realize what you really feel, what you really want to do, and what you were born in this world to do. )


For a final say, if you ask me what I really want to do a study on, I would have to say I'll do Japanese-English translation studies on translators in the fandom. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT ORAL DISCOURSE LIKE "YOU" WANTED AND NOT SOMETHING "RELEVANT" AS YOU SEE IT. I want to do translation studies, be it in jpop or animanga fandom. And as far as I know, no one had attempted that. Let that be my niche.



himitsuru: (Default)



A while ago, I tried archery and wall-climbing for the first time.

My fear, it turned out, had something to do with something else. )



himitsuru: (Default)



A while ago, I tried archery and wall-climbing for the first time.

My fear, it turned out, had something to do with something else. )